Getting married is one of the most important decisions in a person’s life. With divorce rates ranging from 30-50% across the developed world, it’s clear that many couples struggle with maintaining a happy and healthy marriage.
This begs the question: Should you date before marriage to have the best shot at an enduring relationship? Or does dating actually make things more complicated than they need to be?
What Makes Someone “Dateable” or “Marriage Material”?
Before analyzing whether dating impacts marital success, it helps to consider what actually makes someone more appealing on the dating scene.
Researchers have identified key traits that increase dating potential and alignment for long-term relationships.
Having strong social skills and confidence – often called one’s “rizz line” in modern dating slang – allows singles to make positive first impressions and form connections more easily.
Qualities like being a good listener and maintaining eye contact when speaking show care for others.
Also, having a good “rizz” means you are confident even when rejected. This motivates you to respectfully keep trying to win over your partner, who plays hard to get.
Of course, solid personal qualities matter more for long-lasting relationships. But surrounding your kind heart with charisma can definitely help kickstart the dating process.
What the Research Says
There’s no consensus among researchers on whether dating before marriage is actually better or worse for marital stability.
However, the available data reveals some interesting insights:
- Couples who date 1-2 years before marriage have 20% lower odds of getting divorced than those who date less than a year. Dating for 3+ years shows little added benefit in terms of avoiding divorce.
- Couples who live together before marriage (cohabitation) are actually 33% more likely to get divorced than those who don’t.
So, while a 1-2 year courtship seems ideal, dating too long or living together predicts higher divorce rates.
The Case For Dating Before Marriage
Here are the main reasons why dating before exchanging vows can pay off down the road:
You Learn How to Resolve Conflict
Fighting and bickering are normal parts of any happy relationship. Dating allows you to go through struggles together before commitment, revealing whether you have what it takes to overcome challenges as a team.
Married couples who have never faced conflict while dating often lack the conflict resolution skills needed to handle disagreements later on.
You Gauge Sexual Compatibility
Sex and physical intimacy issues such as mismatched sex drives or preferences are major contributing factors to divorce.
Those who wait until marriage often struggle with sexual incompatibilities that frequently tear relationships apart. Dating can let you determine if you click physically before you commit to live.
You Get to Know Someone’s True Self
The early days of romance can be filled with starry-eyed visions, projections, and idealizations of a partner. But the honeymoon phase always wears off.
Dating gives you a front-row seat to witness all dimensions of someone’s personality – good, bad, ugly – instead of jumping blindly into marriage.
You Build a Strong Foundation of Friendship
Lust and chemistry sizzle, but in lifelong partnerships, friendship is the glue that bonds. Dating allows falling in love to deepen gradually into a steadfast friendship with a potential life partner.
Marrying as relative strangers skips straight to commitment without forging this essential groundwork.
The Problems of Dating Before Marriage
As you weigh the pros and cons of courtship, also consider these drawbacks of delaying marriage:
You Become “Pickier” Over Time
Dating a lot of different people can foster perfectionism, unrealistically high standards, and even narcissism – making you perpetually unsatisfied. Marriage inevitably requires compromise.
However, extensive dating histories can prevent singles from realizing this until they’ve become too selective to be pleased by anyone.
Your “Backup Mentality” Kicks In
Dating multiple prospects simultaneously or cyclically breaking up and getting back together trains people to view partners as disposable.
It cultivates a “shopping“ mindset and hesitancy to fully commit because another option lingers around the corner. This lack of dedication wreaks havoc on marriage.
Biological Clocks Start Ticking
Especially for women, extensive dating into later reproductive years increases the risks of fertility issues. While modern technologies like egg freezing help, dates still waste valuable time for starting families.
And babies born to older parents face higher health risks compared to younger parents.
Past Relationships Can Haunt You
As the saying goes, baggage accumulates. Every heartbreak, betrayal, disappointment, or abuse victimization carries residual impacts.
As past lovers and pictures clutter social media, old memories can produce jealousy. Dating even plants seeds for future flirting, rekindling affairs, or eyes wandering.
Tips For Healthier Dating & Relationships
Here is wisdom gleaned from research to help singles date smartly and couples considering marriage build sturdy bonds:
- Take Time Getting To Know Yourself First— Securely attached individuals with strong self-esteem make better partners than those who lose themselves in relationships or possess unclear values. Personal growth should be the priority.
- Don’t Rush Things Too Fast— Let trust, friendship, and understanding cement organically at a healthy pace. Resist pressures towards premature commitment insufficiently rooted in real compatibility.
- Determine What You Truly Want In A Life Partner—Beyond superficial traits like appearance and status, carefully identify the values and character virtues you prize most. Fuzzy visions of your “ideal match” can cause hasty misjudgments.
- Observe How A Partner Treats Other People— Not just you, take note of how they engage servers at restaurants or less “important” contacts. Such interactions reveal much about their empathy, patience, and respect.
- Communicate Clearly and Listen Generously— Express your authentic needs/wants. And try to comprehend your partner’s perspectives before defending your own. Mutual understanding must supersede “winning” arguments.
- When In Doubt, Wait It Out— If you have doubts about continuing to date someone, pause before taking the next big step like moving in together. Make choices based on your gut, not fear of upsetting your partner.
The Bottom Line
Research and conventional wisdom agree – 1-2 years of dating before marriage is the sweet spot. This allows enough time to measure compatibility while avoiding problems that come with dating too long.
There’s no “perfect formula” to make a marriage last.
However, singles and couples can lower risks by getting to know themselves first, considering biological factors like aging, building mutual respect, caring more about character than looks or what others do, and letting certainty guide relationship decisions, not pressure or timelines.
Dating the right way increases the chances of a happy, lifelong marriage.
Photo by NATHAN MULLET on Unsplash
