When a marriage ends, people tend to talk about the big things they’ve had to deal with–like the legal steps, moving out to a new place, the paperwork, the arguments, custody, and so on. But there are other things that can be important to discuss and talk through as well – they’re the in between bits when you’re just trying to get through the day and work out how to rearrange your life now that you are divorced. With that in mind, keep reading to find out more about what people don’t talk about when a marriage ends.
The Strange In-Between Stage
One of the hardest parts of the whole thing is the in-between bit. That’s the bit when you’re not living the life you had before, but you still haven’t built the new one yet. And you might still be sharing a home, or perhaps you’ve moved somewhere new that doesn’t feel right yet but whatever the situation, it’s all going to feel very temporary. Even though the situation is a very real one.
That’s unsettling, and it can lead to exhaustion because you’re always slightly on edge waiting to get to a point where you finally feel properly settled. The good news is, it will happen.
You’ll Be Grieving
Something else that sounds strange but that’s also important to know is that even when a marriage really does have to end for everyone’s benefit, there’s still a sense of loss. Because you’re not just losing a partner, you’re losing future plans, your usual routines, and whoever you thought you were within the context of that relationship. No wonder it can be hard to move on even when you’re glad the marriage is over.
On top of that, the grief you’re experiencing might not come across or even feel like sadness, and it could manifest as anger, numbness, or just feeling tired all the time. For some people, visiting a therapist or talking through things with friends or in a group can make all the difference.
Your Identity Takes A Hit
Being part of a couple really determines how you see yourself, even if you don’t want that to be the case – or know it’s the case. So when that changes after a divorce, it can feel like you don’t quite know who you are anymore. And simple things like making plans, introducing yourself, or even just choosing what to do with your free time suddenly feel very different indeed.
Just know it’s going to take time to get used to making decisions for yourself again, but you did it in the past, and you’ll be able to do it again in the future. In fact, now is the time to make sure you’re doing things you actually want to do, without having to compromise.
Friends Don’t Always Know What To Say
People often mean well, but they don’t always get it right. Meaning sometimes your friends are going to totally avoid the topic, others might offer advice you didn’t ask for or want, and some might completely disappear (at least in the short-term) because they don’t know what to say to you and they don’t want to make the situation worse.
That can all add up to a lonely way of life, even when you’re surrounded by people, which is why, as awkward as it might seem, it’s wise to let them know what you need from them. Tell them you do or don’t want to talk about it, ask for advice or let them know you’re not looking for it right now, and you’ll find they start to feel more at ease around you.
The Practical Stuff Can Be Overwhelming
Apart from all the emotional elements, there’s also a lot of admin to deal with when you’re getting a divorce, and that’s going to include finances, property, childcare, and various legal matters – and it all needs sorting. At that point, even small decisions can be hard to make because you’re making them while you’re already dealing with so much.
That’s why it’s good to have the right support, and a good divorce lawyer can be exactly what you need. They don’t just handle the paperwork, they’re there to give advice, and basically add some order to a situation that can feel pretty chaotic. If you’ve got a good lawyer to help you, you can hand at least some of the work and decisions over to an expert, which means you’ve got more time to organise your new life into something that’s going to suit you better than the old one ever did.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
