“Binding of the Hearts”
by Florida Night Train©
“I feel safe with you”. Words seemingly more powerful than “I love you”. An epiphany that recently hit me when I said it to someone for the very first time in my life. I have said, “I love you,” a plethora of times. But, “I feel safe with you” are words that had never come from my lips for fear of its misunderstood return. Words matter, they do, and these ones are fraught with emotional labor’s intensity beyond measure. Safety is a sentiment more powerful, more essential than, or conditional to the sentiment of “I love you”. Above all else, “safety” is what my desperate soul had been screaming for an entire lifetime. It is the bedrock, the foundation for any relationship, friendship, partnership, or any human relation. It is in right, a basic human fundamental need.
I will let ladies in on a secret. In this age of man-bashing and dare I say gender wars, with increasing demands and expectations for men to be more vulnerable, this is the ingredient that men require. That is an offensive declaration to the male ego but truthful regardless. It is an innate need, non-negotiable before a man will open the gates of vulnerability up to you. Safety is the name of the game. That is, emotional, psychological, spiritual, intellectual, physical, and financial. If our partner or potential partner cannot offer the confidence that we are safe in those dimensions of life, we will not ride. Isn’t it the same for you, ladies?
Would you ride passenger with someone to whom you are attracted but who is reckless, egotistical, narcissistic, abuses drugs or alcohol, who does not take all precautions to ensure your safety? Before we ride, we assess if it is safe right? Why then will a multitude of us compromise safety for the illusion of love, or love for the illusion of safety? Thanks to Hollywood, we let our profound thirst for love idealize and romanticize relationships as if relationships in and of themselves were the answer to all our soul needs. Looking at the world out there, and social media’s growing influencers with opinions, relationships continue to be a growing polarizing pool of expectations rarely met. It is understood then why there is much breakdown in the state of relationships.
Some take the requirement of “safety” to unhealthy levels. They will expect perfection and use that as a means to not commit for fear of being hurt. It is all about me me me me and respect me and what do you bring to the table; and if you don’t do this or that then you you you you, and you alone own the demise of what was once love and now becomes hate.
I love CS Lewis’: “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell”
We look for our soulmate, our twin-flame. We all have demons to deal with, some worse than others. When we meet another soul embattled with the same scars and the same wars, the bonds between hearts quickly forms through affinity—for we truly are equally yoked. When your souls share the same views, approach life and communications in the same constructive manner; when you have won the same victories on your individual paths; when your hopes, your views, your fears, your purpose, your insatiable souls seeking communion of hearts are so close that you communicate with ideas and even in silence, you know it’s a 1 in 10,000 connection.
This symbiotic state of duality, unified in the invisible realm, triggers an incredibly powerful faith in the essential ingredient of “emotional, spiritual, and intellectual safety” leading one to finally be willing to let go; give invaluable trust; dare to dream and envision an eternal unconditional bond. That is the only condition essential to men, yes, and also women—to truly be vulnerable. That your weaknesses aren’t going to be weaponized against you is paramount. (Read that again!) In fact, think for a moment if we were to see vulnerability as a strength and not as a weakness. The reality of that is as simple as knowing that your flaws are perfect for the heart that’s meant to love you.
The importance of having a partner who points to the battles you are capable to win rather than reminding you of the falls you took getting there, is something that will fuel purpose within that will cause a man to conquer any dragons, mountain, cities, or inner demons. The opposite, I assure you, will destroy your relationship with this man. That is something preachers and their kids, and self-proclaimed Christians I have known, struggled to practice. Jesus knew He was not safe with us mere mortals yet He fearlessly chose to show us, at a great price, that at the end of the day we must press forward and learn to ride this life with hopes to experience love regardless of the pain. For we know well, “love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” 1 Corinthians 13:7
At the end, the soul who recently inspired me to say, “I feel safe with you”, closed the door to deeper connection in the face of one of my scars but I still made a friend for life. I opened the door and I gained an ally. Not everyone can handle all our demons. That’s our job. So long as we own our battles and show we consistently, persistently, seek to grow with a relentless appetite to conquer this life, we need no Hollywoodian-romance. Creating our own safety for our well-being is the first step towards a fulfilling life. We must work on ourselves before we can be there for others, for we may not be able to handle another’s demons either.
To love is to have pain and to have pain is to love. “If you are in pain, love and truth is what you want” – Jordan Peterson. Take a step towards love and open your heart to the possibility of being loved the way you need. While there will be moments of pain, you will rise through with the grace and wisdom to know its value to your heart, mind, and soul.
The intersection between love and pain is humility. Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely. Love is an act of faith. Underneath it all, it is a journey where the path taken will at some point in life be shared with that safe soul. And you will know that heart because they will never be above you, never below you, but always beside you.
Be honest about who you are, what you want, and how you expect to be treated. The good and the not so good. Truth and standards only help you sift through people that aren’t meant for you. And that’s ok.
Photo: 323 Photography Studio and Florida Night Train