Finally!! For your exciting senior living pleasure, located at Rivers Edge Retirement Community, which is on the corner edge of sanity and confusion:
NEW ROOM AVAILABLE (pictured above) with an exclusive view of the comings and goings of life on the edge.
A “river” view—complete with sitting ducks, stray cats doing what stray cats do, fish (that smell fishy…which this ad is tending to be) and snakes can be made available, but the same will require expensive renovations, to enhance the pockets of the brother-in-law of the decorator who brought you the last edgy wreckovation.
Straps on the bed-centered units (as shown) are now readily available for vivid, imaginative public displays of pleasure. The lower price of a strapless bed unit may be attractive to some, but management assumes no responsibility for fallen women (or men) in any of those units.
Two public bathrooms are on the same floor of these unique units (which become private if your memory serves to lock the door), and you’ll be happy to know that one of the bathrooms on each floor is usually working.
If both are out of order, one elevator to other working and broken facilities is sometimes available but, if not, the one stairway provides excellent exercise potential.
If a resident is not into using the 24/7stairway exercise program, watching the employees perform it often enough allows eyes to dry out and (not at the same time) the ability to encounter dry eye water weight loss from that exciting spectator sport, without ever having to move from the comfort of your strapped or strapless bed.
Other on site exercises include:
rocking in chairs,
watching for snakes,
calling for help to kill them (the snakes…not the residents, also rocking in chairs…those off their rockers are on their own as far as protection goes)
and
making sure they’re not on the menu. By “they’re” not on the menu, reference is to the snakes, again, and not the residents off their rockers.
However, while on the topic of meals (although we weren’t on the topic we should be by now) since we are what we eat, be aware that although our wonderful kitchen crew has been instructed not to cook residents off of their rockers, if the kitchen staff is overly busy, and such a resident wanders in, dressed in a chicken costume, the staff is not responsible for confusing said resident with chicken parts delivered by the lowest food service bidder, and then cooking and serving the same under the guise of a fabulously fabricated fancy chicken dish name, containing chicken ingredients used before in other recipes, but with uniquely different names from previous menu fare, designed by corporate nepotism offspring, who majored in nutrition but couldn’t find a job that paid as well for an imaginary career, to tempt those with bigger appetites than brains into mealtime excitement, as long as ice cream for dessert is also on the menu.
That was a very long sentence which the reader is warned not to even try to say in one breath, as management assumes no responsibility for those not strapped down and then falling over from exhaustion, while reading that (as well as this) sentence aloud.
Pricing, which changes by the nanosecond, for these amazing amenities is available upon written request. Immediate answers will be returned during nanoseconds when the market is at its highest rate.
For questions see the author of this advertisement, a resident whom you will recognize as the only one often walking for exercise while writing blogs on her phone, having constant episodes of ADDDDDD (which is a very easily and often distracted state of mind for her peace and piece of mind, such as it is is is is…until turned off by autocorrect), wandering before, during, and after meals from table to table and then to the coffee station, back again for something forgotten, and beyond, clearly far from any rocker.
Copyright 5/20/24
Audrey Biloon
